By Aaron Rajala
Lansing, Michigan
Governor Jennifer Granholm announced a new program that will offer students cash for flunking out of college. The initiative was passed last month in order to decrease the number of unemployed with college degrees.
“If college graduates never get the chance to be employed, then they can’t be unemployed. This bill will preserve the hopes and dreams of millions of college students who spent a fortune on a piece of paper that would be better served burned in their metal trashcan,” said Liz Boyd, a spokesperson for Governor Granholm.
Cash for Flunkers will pay college students a maximum of $4,500 to drop out of school, with bonuses for those who are in higher level programs such as law school, medical school or advanced doctorate programs. The plan is part of an attempt to reduce the abysmal hiring rate of individuals with college degrees and chip away at one of the highest percentage of unemployed in the country.
Former students are already seeing the benefits of a future without the potential heartbreak of having wasted their money on higher education.
“It’s a great program. Instead of graduating with a college degree and being unable to find work in Michigan, I can get cash to spend on what I really need in this economy – escapism,” said Cooley Law School dropout Clark Culver.
Hookers, beer, illicit drugs, and other escapes from reality aren’t the only uses college flunkies have found for their Cash for Flunkers money. Wayne State University Psychology Doctorate dropout Jeanie Kindjohn of Pontiac used her bonus of $5,500 to open her own business school.
“My establishment is mainly for college students and dropouts. Whether you get that piece of paper or not, you’re still screwed in this Michigan economy. Our six week course will teach you how to legitimately get fired from your low paying, borderline insulting job and collect that g’ment cheese,” said Kindjohn.
The response to Cash for Flunkers has been overwhelming. Already over 10,000 college students have called it quits and are learning to cope with tumultuous economic times. The Michigan government has opened a window for all college students to heed the call of restoration to the state’s economy. In a speech at Michigan State University, Representative William Jumare spoke to students and parents alike.
“It’s important that Michigan bands together to pull the economy out of the shitter. The responsibility to reduce unemployment and restore the state to the economic powerhouse it once was falls upon the shoulders of every individual. We hope this program is just what students need in order to stop thinking of unrealistic career goals and begin aiming for mediocrity."
By: Bonnie Brooke
Chesterfield Township, Michigan
Joe Cada is proof that money can’t buy happiness.
After becoming the youngest champion of the World Series of Poker, the first thing he did was buy a 50-inch HDTV and a new poker table and stocked the bar in his Chesterfield Township home for a celebratory get-together with his closest friends on Friday night.
The problem is everyone bailed.
“Don’t get me wrong, Joe’s a great guy, and I’m really happy for him for winning the World Series of Poker,” said Doug Mielke, Cada’s best friend. “But we all play with $40-$50 for fun. We’d like to have some chance of bringing that back home, if not a few bucks more, at the end of the night. Fifty bucks may not mean a lot to Joe, but I budget that money for my Friday night games.”
Even Cada’s family has been avoiding him.
“We didn’t tell Joe about the family hunting trip because we figured he’d be tied up in all the Vegas hoopla and media interviews and stuff like that,” said Cada’s uncle, Bernie Wachter.
Wachter then paused and continued: “Let’s be honest, a hunting trip isn’t about sitting up in some tree and not moving or making a sound and freezing your ass off all day. We go up north to eat, drink, fart whenever and wherever we want, and play poker. We love Joe to pieces, but we don’t want him taking the fun out of the game for us, and, at the same time, we can’t ask him not to play.”
Cada has also been disinvited from his extended family’s Thanksgiving dinner, which includes the traditional pre-dinner poker game.
“I feel like King Midas except everything I’ve touched since the World Series has turned to shit,” Cada confessed. “I may have won $8.5 million but I feel as if I lost everything. I’ve offered to play something else when we get together -- Uno, Old Maid, Crazy Eights -- but I can’t take them away from doing the thing they love most: poker.”
Cada plans on spending Thanksgiving at the orphaned poker star dinner at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
By: Sean T. Johnston
Roseville, Michigan 
Following months of presentations and marathon negotiation sessions, Roseville residents were treated this morning to some exciting news.
Representatives from the Marauders Motorcycle Gang, a Houston-based conglomerate, made the announcement that a Roseville trailer park would be the site of the group's new multi-thousand dollar methamphetamine production facility.
The gang's Vice President for Production Development, "Scar" Mendlesohn, said that Michigan's pitch was head-and-shoulders above the rest.
"They said and did all the right things," admitted the leather-clad executive. "Michigan is the perfect site for our burgeoning operations. Depressed property values make capital investment a minor concern. Cutbacks in state funding mean fewer law enforcement officials to contend with. And there is an eager, educated and competitive workforce to draw from."
Transportation and Logistics Vice President “Bonesaw” Chesterton said Roseville’s location was also a big factor.
“Our facility’s proximity to several major interstate highways make this an ideal hub for distribution.”
The announcement will also benefit local college graduates who have been searching for employment, but have yet to find work or move out of the state.
“I’ve always been a big fan of that show Breaking Bad,” recounts Kevin Hoppe, a University of Michigan Chemical Engineering graduate and underemployed restaurant server. “If it’s as fun in real life as that show seems, I’ll be excited for the opportunity to finally put my education to work.”
Roseville beat out locations in suburban Nashville, Gary and Atlanta for the facility. While Roseville city officials would not admit to condoning the announced operation, they stopped short of condemning the Marauders and their activities at a recent press conference.
“Roseville has no formal knowledge of any such facility in development,” read Mayor Pro-tem David Felten from a prepared statement. “However, we would like to renew our commitment to providing a business-friendly climate for new ventures.”
Understanding the delicate gray area the Marauders’ new facility exists in, Corporate Human Resources Director “Bloodbath” Farthingsworth carefully announced open interviews for the new facility.
“Theoretically, if people were interested in career opportunities with us, it might not be a bad idea to stop by Grady’s Lounge on Gratiot at 11pm next Tuesday.”
By: Bonnie Brooke
South Range, Michigan
For years, Arnie Wackman was a staple at the restaurants and coffee shops along Southfield Road in Lathrup Village.
“He was in every morning,” said Justin Colm, manager of the Coffee Beanery. “He only ordered something when he had a coupon for a free this or that and then complain about it. He was always calling the girls who work here ‘babe’ and he was a real racist jerk. And he always took the morning papers with him.”
“And he stunk,” said Suzy Wise, an employee at Panera Bread. “There were times when didn’t shower or change his clothes for five or six days. Everyone calls him the Village Idiot.”
Three weeks ago, Wackman threatened to walk as far as he could until he “couldn’t find a nigger, dyke, Jew or commie.”
“I told him, ‘You’ve been saying that for years,’” said Arthur Wright, a regular at Panera. “So I suggested that he do it, and out the door he went. We haven’t seen him since.”
Wackman made it all the way to South Range, a village with a population of 727 about five miles southwest of Houghton in the Upper Penninsula.
“We arrested him a couple of nights ago at Cozy Corner Bar and Grill when he got loaded and kept asking an American Indian waitress if she was ‘A-rappa-ho,’” said South Range Deputy Police Chief and dispatcher Derek Justice. “But when we asked the Lathrup Village Police to pick him up on a couple of warrants they had for him, they told us, ‘That’s OK, you can keep him.’”
With one car and three employees, Justice said his department couldn’t make the 1,100-mile round-trip to and from Lathrup Village, but the residents of South Range didn’t want Wackman either.
“We already have a village idiot, but he’s harmless,” said South Range Village Trustee Pete Reeson. “He’s always tinkering with some kind of UFO detection device and he thinks the village library is haunted. But two days ago, I saw Arnie showing him how to pee in a gas tank. We don’t need Arnie corrupting our village idiot.”
So the residents of South Range got creative.
“A bunch of us bought him drinks at the Cozy until he passed out, bought him a one-way Greyhound ticket, and loaded him on the first bus to Southfield,” Reeson said.
In the meantime, members of the Lathrup Village Women’s Democratic Club and the Lathrup Village African-American LGBT Alliance have resumed their meetings at the Coffee Beanery without incidents.
By: Bonnie Brooke
Detroit, Michigan
To little shock and amazement, voters continued the tradition of picking candidates who reflect their lifestyles.
Outside of the Pugh for Council headquarters in Detroit last night, homeless Detroit resident Sylvia Fox was delighted to hear that former newscaster Charles Pugh had been elected City Council President.
“If Detroit is the foreclosure capital of Michigan, then I think it’s only right that we should have a leader who knows exactly what so many of us are facing,” said Fox, who alluded to Pugh’s impending foreclosure of his Brush Park condo.
Fox, who has been staying with friends and family since being evicted this past January by the 14.5 banks that held the note on her east side home, also said she had voted former Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and former City Councilmember Monica Conyers in the previous municipal election.
"Innocent until proven guilty," Fox said. "That's the American way."
However, 80 percent of registered voters in Detroit did not exercise their right to vote.
"I'm not sure if all of the winners in the election really represent the people or the best interests of Detroit," said James Walker, who did not vote in Tuesday's general election in Detroit. "But when one of them screws up or gets arrested, at least I'll be able to sleep at night because I didn't pick them to be in charge."
In Ecorse, Mayor Herbert Worthy, who was indicted last month for accepting bribes to privatize the city’s public works department, was reelected by a 15-vote margin.
“He didn’t do nothing any other politician does,” said Ernest Wright, a two-time felon. “A man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do to get the job done. And besides, half of the people in Ecorse have either been arrested or have warrants. He’s just one of us.”
As for mayoral challenger Larry Salisbury the other half of the population in Ecorse, Wright said, “They just ain’t been caught yet.”
By: Aaron Rajala
Detroit, Michigan
The 2008 Michigan film incentive has mediocre directors drooling at the mouth with a number of tax breaks and other incentives that will undoubtedly make Michigan the hub for overproduced, gratuitous films oozing with unnecessary special effects.
At the head of this Hollywood pilgrimage to the Wolverine State is the master of shameless advertising and mindless ‘splosions, Michael Bay.
Many recall the box office smash The Island which a budget higher than the net income of the state as well as Transformers where many children of the 80’s saw their beloved childhood show bound, gagged, and penetrated mercilessly.
With such prolific achievements of mind numbing cinema being filmed in Michigan, residents can expect an upcoming plethora of movies guaranteed to stimulate neither the economy nor the brain.
“The best part about filming in Michigan is the sense of realism the movies take on. I don’t think anyone would be surprised if they saw anthropomorphic robots destroying the Detroit Train Station,” said Hollywood director Clifton Haas.
“We can also use the unemployed as extras for as little as a fifth of whiskey and free tickets to the film,” he added.
Terrible movies that make absurd amounts of money just might be what the state of Michigan needs. Who wouldn’t like to see the epic romance Titanic 2: The Edmond Fitzgerald starring Zach Braff and that one girl from Scrubs, or the quirky comedy Oops I Blew my Tranny! Starring Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott filmed here.
Movies of this caliber have Michigan residents buzzing.
“I’m glad that the movie industry is coming to Michigan; it’s been my dream to see a horrible movie on the big screen and say to my friends ‘Yup, this monstrosity was filmed in my hometown’,” said movie enthusiast Jessica Springs of Ferndale.
All in all things are looking up for the state of Michigan; soon dilapidation and exodus will give way to giant Hollywood sets, jobs for the homeless, and likely a mass suicide of movie lovers.
Harrison Township voters approve millage or bond thing to help the schools, or maybe roads
By: Sean T. Johnston
Harrison Township, Michigan
Voters in Harrison Township ran the gamut of emotion from ravished to inflamed in response to the township's narrow adoption of some kind of proposal that will help the schools, roads or possibly police and fire.
Proposal C, otherwise known as Proposition D, Citizen's Initiative D and Ballot Question E, received 52% of the vote in a high-turnout election with over 219 voters participating.
"This is a great day for Harrison Township," bolsters resident Alfred Leslie. "After years of neglect, this millage will finally help with much needed capital improvements to our schools."
"I couldn't disagree with you more," interrupts Corey Rowell. "This monstrosity had nothing to do with schools. This was nothing more than a gratuitous tax increase on or city's sewer services to subsidize our lazy, corrupt police force."
City Clerk Jan Jorgensen said public understanding of local tax proposals is often a source of confusion.
"Proposal C sought the sale of $750,000 in municipal bonds to improve the status of our city's road system. We're very excited that Proposition C passed because it will afford us the opportunity to upgrade the city's water distribution, allowing better Fire access and improving our schools. Proposal D was a definite win in city government's book."
Harrison Township also saw the election of three new members to the township's Board of Trustees. Brad Williamson, Bill Bradshire and William Bradson will all take be sworn in to their first terms later this year after a bitterly contentious campaign.
"Bill Williamson is a convicted felon and I am absolutely floored that the citizens of this township felt he would serve them well in office," laments Bill Bradshire. "But the people have spoken, and I will do my best to work along side him to help move this township forward."
Brad Williamson, a local high school teacher says unfair negative publicity haunted him throughout the campaign season.
"I think it was Bill Bradsley who started slinging rumors that I was convicted of embezzlement back in 2004. It's all lies. I've done nothing but serve the public school system for over 23 years and I'm looking forward to continuing that service in township government.
Harrison Township also saw close margins in the Drainage Commissioner election, which will certainly precipitate a runoff.
By: Joshua Havener
Eugene, Oregon
My journey began at the Pontiac Amtrak station. Aside from the typical ne’er-do-well and riff-raffs, everyone I spoke to about a BRT system thought it was a great idea, one that would allow for increased mobility to and from the city center. There were jokes cracked about how poor the service of the SMART system was, about how far behind schedule the busses would habitually run, and numerous other jabs at the regional transit system. As the train departed the station, I put my headphones on and began to do research on other BRT systems.
After three days of traveling on a train with a stench that reminded me of what I might experience on The Darjeeling Limited, I awoke to an overpowering scent of patchouli oil, and I knew I had arrived in Eugene. I quickly grabbed my overnight bag and made my way toward the bus stop. This was to be my first experience with a legitimate regional BRT system.
As I stood in the rain, an elderly woman named Mary, and I started to talk. After about ten minutes of small talk, she asked me where I was from. Not wanting to confuse her by telling her the exact suburb I’m from, I simply stated that I was from Detroit. You would think that I had punched her in the stomach by the size her eyes grew to. I will never forget the words that followed out of her mouth:
“Have you ever killed someone? I hear that’s what people from the ‘Murder Mitten’ (she emphasized this with air quotes) do for fun.”
I was immediately taken aback. Had I ever killed someone?!? What kind of question is that? Are people truly that ignorant? Does Detroit, nay, Michigan, have that bad of a reputation across the country? Without any idea what to say, I decided that I would have some fun at her expense.
“Yes, I’ve killed three people actually.”
Her eyes gazed in horror at me. I immediately began to tell her that I was having fun at her ignorance's expense. This did not deter her. She let out a shriek, and immediately there was a mob of hippies that surrounded me. The overwhelming stench of patchouli and months of body odor acted as though it were chloroform, and I blacked out.
When I woke up three days later, I found myself locked in a room, smelling of patchouli and days worth of funk from not showering. There was hemp clothing laid out on the foot of the bed, a glass of strong hopped, micro-brewed beer, and a plate of organic vegetables all waiting for me when I woke up. I began to panic. Where was I?
I looked for my overnight pack and found that everything in it had been switched out with its more hippie-esque counterpart. My plastic Aquafina water bottle had been switched out for a recyclable aluminum bottle, my cheap NewBalance sneakers were replaced by a pair of Berkenstocks, my Dell computer had been switched out for a MacBook Pro, and my toiletries had been replaced by Tom’s of Maine organic products.
They were trying to turn me into a hippie. I was horrified. I went to the door to see if I could make my escape. It was locked. I pounded on the door for a solid twenty minutes before a dread-locked man in a hemp shirt opened the door.
“Hey man...You’re one of us now... You don’t have to kill anybody any more. Your life of peace and harmony can start. We’re getting ready to go on a hike, put your clothes on, grab your bag, and lets go."
I knew this was how I would make my escape.
After gathering my new-found belongings, I was escorted by my captors to Spencer Butte Park. We began our trek through the trails, and slowly I made my way toward the back of the pack.
"I don’t hike. I’m from Michigan! We don’t have hills, let alone a butte!" I gasped, but the hippies didn’t seem to notice, or care. Eventually they got far enough ahead of me that I was out of their sight. I made a run for the nearest bus stop, which was at the entrance to the park. Once I boarded the bus, I finally was able to get some idea of what I was to report on. I didn’t care, I wanted to get the hell out of there.
After an hour of riding the bus, I arrived back at the Amtrak Station. I was going home. I had survived being kidnapped by the group I fear the most, and I learned a valuable lesson. “You think Detroit is bad? Try going to Eugene.”
By: Sarah Brown
Chicago, Illinois 
According to latest economic data released by the Department of Commerce, Michigan’s exports have shifted dramatically over the past three years.
Where once manufacturing, particularly automobile-related products, contributed a hefty 30% of exports, the newest numbers indicate Michigan’s biggest contribution to gross domestic product is now former Michigan residents, who have spread rapidly into other metropolitan areas, including New York, Chicago and San Francisco.
A recent landmark study found that City of New York experienced a 13% increase in residents who moved to the city from Michigan in 2008, while San Francisco and Chicago reported 8% and 15% increases, respectively. A substantial 79% of these emigrants identified their reason for leaving Michigan as a lifestyle decision, not an economic choice as researchers had anticipated.
“Even supposing I could find a job in Michigan,” one anonymous respondent commented during the study, “I’m not going to find the kind of quality of life I want to have in a state with so many problems.”
Here in Chicago, former Michiganders gather at designated “Michigan bars” to reminisce and express superiority towards their home state. Clive Benson is one of these expatriates. “There’s just no way I’d ever move back to Michigan,” Clive stated last Friday evening at Duffy’s Tavern on Diversey Street, as the MSU vs. Iowa game blared in the background.
“It’s practically a nuclear fallout zone. Nobody has a job. I really feel sorry for the people who aren’t able to leave.”
Benson’s girlfriend, Jennifer Corcoran, also a Michigan expatriate, agrees. “I have a lot of friends still in Michigan, and it’s hard for me to understand why they are still there. It’s not like renaissance is around the corner. I keep trying to convince them to move here to Chicago.”
September 2009 unemployment figures put Michigan’s unemployment rate at 15.3%, a figure those who emigrated from the state often mention. However, when this reporter cited the Chicago Metropolitan area’s 10.5% unemployment rate, many Michigan expatriates expressed disbelief.
“That’s probably skewed because of higher unemployment on the South Side,” Benson noted. “Maybe Chicago had a bad quarter, but the turnaround here will be faster. Either way, at least we have a real city here, with public transit and things to do. Michigan has none of that.”
“And Chicago has a music and entertainment scene,” Corcoran added. “There’s nothing to do in Michigan except hang out in smoky bars and collect DWIs on the way home.”
Other former Michigan residents pointed to Detroit’s corrupt political system as a primary reason for leaving the state.
“I mean, Kwame Kilpatrick? The guy was a crook!” exclaimed Tracy Gibbons as she sipped a Labatt at Duffy’s, apparently oblivious to Chicago’s international reputation for political corruption as the origin of the term “smoke-filled rooms.”
When reminded of recent Chicago political machine scandals, including the destruction of Meigs Field, the Hired Truck scam and former Illinois Governor Blagojevich’s attempts to sell a Senate seat, Gibbons appeared discomfited.
“Whatever, at least Chicago’s culture of political corruption gets things done for its citizenry. We have the best parks in the country!”
By: Bonnie Brooke
Royal Oak, Michigan
Inspired by the filming of “You Don’t Know Jack,” bombastic Detroit-area attorney Geoffrey Fieger has resolved to dress up as himself this Halloween.
“While I applaud Barry Levinson for casting Al Pacino as Jack Kevorkian, what was he thinking when he hired Danny Huston to be me?” Fieger said. “I’ve been portrayed in the media in flattering and unflattering ways, but who is Danny Huston? He looks nothing like me. And how did Jack’s buddy Neal Nicol rate high enough to be cast by a big name actor like John Goodman but not me?”
Fieger, who has maintained his shaggy hairstyle and his outraged scowl in front of TV cameras while speaking on behalf of his high-profile clients throughout his career, added that he feared, “A whole generation of media consumers will forget what I look like and who I am when this film comes out. I’ve invested a lot of money and effort maintaining my timeless and distinctive look.”
Fieger figured if the Balloon Boy and Kate Gosselin can perpetrate their personas through costumes over the Halloween weekend, so could he.
“Halloween is a great time to socialize, so I’m making it a point to attend as many Halloween parties over the next few days as humanly possible,” Fieger said. “I want to make sure when people see me, they’ll think of me when they have go to battle against their insurance companies and doctors and the government.”
At the Royal Oak Farmers Market Halloween Party on Wednesday night, the reactions to Fieger’s costume were confused.
“Danny Huston is an incredible method actor,” said Tom McElroy of Ferndale. “When I asked for his autograph, he signed it ‘Geoffrey Fieger’ and went on this rampage about protecting the rights of public figures -- just like Geoffrey Fieger does when gets all hyped-up on TV."
“He was kind of a jerk to me,” said Lisle Marchant of Berkley. “He got really snippy when I told him that he almost looked like Jack Kevorkian’s lawyer and he really got in my boyfriend’s face when he asked if Al Pacino, Susan Sarandon and John Goodman were coming to the party, too.”
Hutson, who was not at the party, has hired legendary litigator Sam Bernstein to sue the producers of "TMZ" for naming him in a video they broadcast of Fieger getting belligerent with paparazzi at the Royal Oak fete.
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